Avoidance

Everything that you can imagine obscures the Self and the ego likes it like that. A person feels that the way they are is the way they are. They either like themselves or they don’t. If they do, they are accepting of themselves positive and negative. If they don’t, it’s pretty certain that the negative stays suppressed. However, it will keep on reminding a person even though they don’t want to be reminded. The ego tries to hold everything together and defend the image of the person, no matter what is done to change positions or let go of things or to improve. The ego may appear to be helping the person. It appears to be doing what you want but it never lets go.

What do you mean by change positions?

A person is always defending a held position. People try to have a positive, healthy sense of themselves but their inner thoughts are telling them that they have deficits. So the feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and hatred are cloaked in denial. A jealous person doesn’t see themselves as jealous. They notice other people as jealous and craving and defend their own position of being friendly and helpful. A person is like a juggling act, trying to hold together an image that is positive and acceptable to themselves. There is an effort, no matter what is going on, to try and enjoy yourself and avoid the noise of the mind with all its conflicting truths about who you really are.

Or sometimes the effort to be nice isn’t made at all and others are made to appease and help to try and lift the spirits of the one who has no intention of budging. So you could call that a covert passive-aggressive manipulator.

But there is no difference between the polite friendly one and the covert manipulator, is there?

In both cases, there isn’t any questioning of the belief that this is really who the person is. All the thoughts go round in a loop coming from the thought that they are either helpful or helpless, pleasant or nasty, aggressive or passive, intelligent or stupid, powerful or weak.

People respond favourably to what they like. They want to surround themselves with that and they avoid what they don’t like.

I have noticed that I avoid certain people that I don’t like being round. People who need to be the centre of attention at all times.

If you look at the people that you avoid, they obviously stir up something in you that is distasteful. It’s distasteful to you because you don’t want to acknowledge it. You hate it.

So if they are being all needy and demanding attention, what it stirs in me is the feeling ‘Give me all of the attention’.

And it is not conscious because consciously you are a responsible person. You don’t ask for help and you don’t act like a prima donna. But maybe you feel like you can’t. You’re not allowed. You’d like to perhaps but it doesn’t get a good response. So you have to pretend and the pretence is so good that you even forget that it would be really nice if someone paid more attention to you. Then when you see someone asking for it, it’s like a forbidden thing in you.

There are two people in my life who demand absolute 100% attention.

And you demand that you don’t see it in yourself for one second, ever. That neediness and that desire for attention.

Just talking about their behaviour makes me feel quite angry in fact. It’s all me, me, me, what I want, you have to do what I want. Nothing else matters but what they want.

What is so terrible about that kind of behaviour?

I feel like telling them to grow up and act their age. I find it repulsive when grown adults act like children. I don’t mind children behaving like children but adults behaving like children drives me crazy. It’s like they are asking for absolute unconditional love.

So that’s infuriating, an adult acting like a child, asking for absolute unconditional love, saying to you ‘it’s my way or the highway’. And where do you fit into that, listening and seeing and being the recipient of that?

Well, my strategy as a person is to avoid them. The thinking is ‘If that’s the way you are, I’m out of here’. I feel like I don’t want to join in their dance, I don’t want to be a part of it. I feel like saying to them ‘Grow up, act your age, get over yourself’.

Ok, so let’s just look at it. You’ve described it clearly. They’re a child and you’re disgusted, and until they change, you’re not letting go. And a lot of times you’ll have to deal with these people anyway, even though you have shut them off. They’re in your circle or in your family. They never get the love and the person is holding onto the position. That’s what I’m saying about self-image, position, behavior and feelings. The position is held so tightly about how you know yourself, how you act and what’s acceptable, and how they act and what’s acceptable. Where is there room for you to have openness and emptiness and less chatter in the mind if all of these things are held as a conditional way of being? If you act a certain way, I’ll react to you a certain way. It’s all about reaction. If you react this way, I’m cut off to you. So all the attention is gone to the ego position of ‘This is the way I am.’

So that is the held position that you were talking about earlier?

The held position is the obvious ‘I am this person. This is my life. This is how I see it. This is the way I am.’

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