Following is an email exchange between Stuart and a friend

Stuart,

I'm in deep pain again and it's cracking my foundation...

I'm in love with a woman she will be 33 on Sunday. The plan is (was?) for me to visit her for at least 3 months, both of us were excited when the ticket was purchased there was a strong mutual desire to be together.

What I'm getting NOW from her: "I don't know what I want... I'm all over the place emotionally... sometimes I just feel cold and unloving and sometimes I really want to be with you and I want you here next to me... something in me totally died when my ex-boyfriend slept with someone else and got them pregnant... I feel like I can't give my heart anymore... and yet I have so much to give... I don't know what I want..."

This conversation that I had with her yesterday KILLED me, Stuart. I wish I could be light about it. I spent the entire night with Robert Adams' sessions, balling my eyes out... trying to be just okay with what is, and it's HARD... I thought and felt she and I were a team.  Never had I felt that with another partner, as much as I loved them.

So... I can ask myself, "Is it okay that she's this fickle?"  I can let go of the ego and say YES and just allow her to be the way she IS and just love her. but it hurts very badly, though, when she disconnects.

There's a part of me that feels like I can be like you were for me... If I stick with her with gentle, kind patience and love and go there despite her fickleness, she will find that stillness within herself soon enough and we'll be okay. I see it in her. Just like you did (do) with me, the way you saw right through the mental activity/temporary insanity. You never bailed out on me and said, "come back to me when you are calm and happy." I see that beautiful Stillness that she is, but she's not resting in it yet and it kills me. I know this is the cause of this fickleness. I see the answers but she's not asking. You know what I mean, despite this rambling for clarity.

I just don't know, Stuart. Does she have the desire? How do I proceed? We made plans! I love her and her daughter so much. My ego says: Don't be a doormat. Don't be with someone who can't give you what's important to you in a relationship. Another part says: Forget about yourself. Be there for her and allow her to go through this and you'll meet her on the other side.

Please help if you have the time.

<name withheld>

Response from Stuart:

Dear friend,

Have you ever seen two people who love each other who are about to be married (either in life or the movies) and they are conflicted, confused and think they are making the worst mistake of their lives. Nervous is not the word for it - it is chaos of emotions and everything else.

Sounds like this to me.

So stop putting the the indecision on her.

Feel your own desire for love from her and go directly to the spiritual heart first. Do not look for love outside of yourself, start from yourself and then see what happens.

Do not try to change her ways or even expect a person to give you unconditional love every moment.

Your are that love; love yourself, then see if the picture out there stays the same.

Love,

Stuart